perform the spiritual spring dance that Bernadette had that evening demonstrated, only this time he replaced the high kick with an extended arabesque and wholly inappropriate series of grand battements. While spinning like a dervish in the lounge Plod couldn't help but notice the three musketeers in the bar having a glass of wine.
"How odd" he thought, "they're not supposed to be here until Tuesday". There was only one thing to do. Performing a swift entrechat he then opened the calendar and set it to Tuesday. This,of course, was likely to upset the Royal Astronomer, but in the wider view it mattered not one jot. He was aware that the Gregorian calendar adopted in 1582 was in fact in error. The effect of the temporal offset of 0.002% against the Julian calendar to regularise the date of Easter had in fact been eroded, largely due the chancellor's recent austerity measures.
In effect, last Thursday had been cancelled and the extra leap seconds accumulated since 1582 meant that today was indeed Tuesday. Feeling rather self assured he approached the first of the three amigos and with a swift double Smirnoff he jumped in the taxi, "quickly, to the nearest eyewear emporium, I need to restore the plaquette before meeting the marchioness for a spot of dwarf tossing at the Dog and Duck in the Old Kent Road, followed by cheese rolling down the hill, some Morris dancing and then back to Gladys, who by this time has her version of events concerning the three amigos"...
Not in my lifetime pal, she said, swigging back the bitter tears of the dusky memories that had plagued her all her life. Why are men all unable to put the seat down, she sniffed "I don't need to put up with this, I have a cycling proficiency certificate and my Tuffty Club membership is still valid", she though to herself, but the sudden ban from PPRuNe was still uppermost in her mind so she decided now was her chance to take revenge so armed with nothing more than her trusty router and peanut butter sandwich, she plugged in the sandwich (which really was a disguise for her tablet) and hacked into Nigeria Central Bank.
By candle light she started to type: " Dear Sirs, I am well pleased to tell you yous has won a fountain pen and a lifelong subscription to "The Journal of Black Country Blues and Dixieland Jazz". To recieve this excellent offer all you need to do is send us your credit card details". After sending it off, she set off with a spade and the family bucket in the direction of the local NHS Care in the Community centre, where being met by a lady in a white coat, asked for directions to the beach, she needed some sand for building a new health centre in Castle design to fit in culturally with the area and also to attend to the matter of her lapsed ASBO for interfering with postal ballot papers for the election of the Grand Poobha at the White Chapel Masonic Lodge, the prospective candidate being a former teddy bear manufacturer, a distant relative to Plod.
Due to this Plod had always harboured ideas of an inheritance, he fancied himself as a teddy bear magnate, mixing with the good and great of Little Snorkeling on the Wold. If only his old schoolmaster had not turned him off Latin, how different things could have turned out.
It was here the tale took an unexpected turn, arriving from Milton Keynes without warning, his former camel wrestling tutor, who, whip in hand and camel in tow, said hey babe, take a walk on the boardwalk, the council only recently relaid new teak planks.
In the meanwhile, Gladys and her new partner Irmintrude began to sew 10 thousand sequins onto her ballgown for the final of Strictly Come Sequin-sewing, very popular with the over 80's, who miss Black and White TV with the commentary of the colours of the outfits and the quality of...
(to be continued...)
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